Don't Eat My Brain

I found a good, original system for classifying zombies from a user in the forums of the Zombie Preparedness Initiative. You should learn these categories now, so that when the time comes you know what you’re dealing with. Note: by my definition, only the undead are truly zombies, but I have a feeling when the time comes to deal with any of these organisms, they’ll all be generalized as such. Of these six classes, there are really only two types of “zombies”:

Undead: No pulse/running blood, don’t eat for survival, don’t breathe, motivated by predator instincts to eat human flesh. The majority of these will be pathetic movers, which are slower and easier to escape from. In addition, the rotting of their brains will lead them to be mindless, the kind that drools and (hopefully) can be deterred by simple tricks and things like doors or ladders.

What this means: In theory, these zombies are less threatening. They are slow and stupid – but they are also tireless and unreasonable. What they lack in smarts, they make up for in relentlessness, which can put you in serious trouble if you underestimate them and lie down for a nap after 72 straight hours of fighting. You can’t drown them, scare them off, reason with them, or save them. The only solution is to destroy their brains.

Possessed: Completely alive and human, except being controlled by something that leads them to crave human flesh. I have previously referred to this type as infected humans. These are the athletic movers, the ones who display the most exaggerated human capabilities and who can run faster, jump higher, and lift heavier things than you can. Unfortunately, these are also the sentient kind, who may be able to use tools, organize together, and surprise you.

What this means: Although these zombies are much harder to escape from initially, they are actually easier to destroy because they’re not dead yet. They can be drowned, starved to death, asphyxiated, injured, startled. Depending on the severity, they may still retain their ability to communicate with you, and you should probably hold off on destroying them until absolutely necessary, since they may be curable.

Even so, someone asked me recently what my plan of attack would be if infected humans showed up, since my apocalypse plans tend to revolve around the undead variety. My answer: “I’d jump out an f-ing window.” Infected humans scare the crap out of me, maybe because you can’t kill them with the same easy conscience as the real zombies. My life is complicated enough; I don’t need to deal with that shit.