This Shit Bothers Me

1. For the last time. There is no such thing as fast zombies. Every single movie you are thinking of that includes them is either bullshit or not about zombies. Infected humans are very different; there is still hope to save them and they are much smarter. I’m not saying this is not scary – of course it is. But there are a lot of things that scare me, and that doesn’t mean I should use this blog to discuss spiders, clowns, or the emptiness of deep space. Alright?

Simon Pegg has a great blog post on this, and he agrees with me.

2. People that talk about how AWESOME zombies are, or how FUN it will be when they’re blowing off heads from their safe little roof perch drinking beer in the zombocalypse, or describe themselves as zombie FANS – I hate you. You are the epitome of everything that is wrong with society. YOU are the reason we will be screwed when the time comes, because you’re going to run out and try to fucking high five a zombie. Know what’s gonna happen? You’re going to be eaten. Alive. Screaming. Watching them pull out your guts and fight over them. Gross.

Also, do you know how unlikely it is that you’ll be prepared or calm enough to find a safe rooftop and an infinite amount of guns and ammo? Do you know how little your fake samurai sword above your fireplace is going to help you? Grow up.

26 Responses to This Shit Bothers Me

  1. Again Matt says:

    I hate that turtle kid …. I HATE HIM SO BAD!

  2. Tiffany says:

    Very nice

  3. Anonymous says:

    someone’s been reading zombie survival guide

  4. sprinklesparkle says:

    Hahahahaha, some one can actually be a FAN of ZOMBIES? I agree with you mate. They sure need to get a life!

    A fun read but.

  5. Bionic7 says:

    NO shit, all of these kids with there fake samurai swords? Gimmie a break they will be taking a shit on the pile of clothes in the hallway scared to death.

  6. A. Morisson says:

    Couldn’t agree more about the ridiculousness of glorifying zombies, but I think it’s dangerous to be so sure that there is no such thing as a fast zombie.

    Underestimating their speed could be fatal, and I submit that you can’t know how fast they really are until your watching one heading towards you from down the street.

    • donteatmybrain says:

      Eh, I go back and forth on this one. I think it just makes sense that if they’re true zombies, they will be continually rotting and eventually will slow down, but yeah, they might be fast initially. Infected people would invariably be runners, and are a much scarier prospect in my opinion (but for some reason, not what I choose to fixate on, probably because it seems like less of a hopeless situation).

  7. Bernie says:

    I agree. Fast zombies seem to violate some basic zombie principles. Like the smart zombie in I Am Legend. Not a zombie. Undead at best. He had freaking undead dogs. Zombies don’t have dogs and zombies don’t set traps.

  8. Kolchak says:

    True, George Romero, living dead, zombies, DO NOT RUN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

    Why? Riggor Mortis.

  9. Word. I have the same problem trying to warn people about robots. It’s like, hello, your roomba doesn’t love you. One of these days, it’s going to turn its suction power on your brains while you sleep.

  10. Zombie Slayer says:

    all of you talking about others being scared what about you? have you killed anyone? do you think that you bad attitude a massive blogging skills will save you? No it will be the people who took a shit in the hall and said “lets kill zombies” while your over ant your mothers house telling her to scare the boogeymen away. while the ones you laughed at pull off headshots to stifle the boredom

  11. James says:

    I hate to put a whole in your idea, but if a human become a zombie by being bitten by a zombie, is that not an infection? Are they not an infected human? That would mean all zombies can be saved, and that zombies can run fast. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather them not run fast, but you are contradicting yourself.

  12. mistersplice says:

    I have the beginnings of a zombie story that proves you wrong.
    …only I abandoned it because of the over-saturation of flesh eating undead in media.

  13. Matt Lear says:

    Zombies are cool. I hope I am eaten alive screaming cause when I wake up I will hunt you down and you’ll be just as dead as me. Doesnt matter how many times you try to pass off Maz Brooks’s opinion as your own you smug prick

  14. blure007 says:

    This is my theory. It’s still a human body right, so it should show similar traits that we do. While I feel that some movies go overboard making them appear superhuman they will have the same general speed and agility that we do at first. With out replenishing their body with nutrients (us) they will begin to move slower and slower and eventually end up lying on the side of the dying of starvation.

  15. shakkazulu says:

    Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things (1973)Directed by Bob Clark.

    This movie opened to the door to “fast moving zombies
    Free your mind and your ass will follow.

  16. Michael says:

    Forgvive me donteatmybrain, but are you a woman?If so it’s great to see a women interested in zombies if not, oh well

  17. yer mum says:

    your all crazy. being a zombie is a state of being, like the voodoo zombies. which are real by the way, its a mixture of herbs and what not, but anyway ZOMBIES CAN RUN! what makes you think they cant?? rigormortis sets into the dead, thats right. but what about the fresh dead? they’d be running. becoming a zombie, in a much more realistic term, is like being brainwashed into the most simple state of mind. like an autistic caveman. it has NOTHING TO DO WITH DIENG. and all that shit about hating zombie fans, fuck you. we’re all zombie fans, or we wouldnt be on this site, for the number one reason: THIS IS ALL MAKE BELIEVE AND WE LIKE IT. if you dont, go play madden nfl or drink till you puke bro, just dont get any on your cowboys jersey. and james is right, if you go by the bite idea then your dumb for arguing that its not an infection.

  18. Rock says:

    Ha ha, this is great! I think the easiest way to “kill” a zombie is using a fire weapon, the thing is to get enough ammo. Does any one has a “zombie survival guide”? Would be great to know how to choose the right shelter, recommended weaponry, food, etc.

  19. Carnifex says:

    What just because you write a fiction story, suddenly he is wrong? Fact of the matter is, zombies don’t exist. Yes, I do like the aspect of the zombie. I participated in Oshkosh’s zombie-walk. I love zombie movies and I love anything that has to deal with them, but I can differentiate between fact and fiction. There are many variations of zombies, and just because you don’t think something is right or doesn’t make sense, that doesn’t believe that someone else does. You guys sound like little religious pricks who are arguing back and forth about whose religion is right and who’s is wrong (and if I may point out, that’s how wars are started)
    So stop bickering because someone says something they think is right. Once again: Zombies are a work of fiction! Grow up.

  20. deathbysience says:

    ok i dont believe that one of thoes movie zombies is going to happen but the chances of somthing viral is decently high not the classic movie zombie that comes out of the grownd that impossible thy need to claw through a wooden or metal box then 6 feet of dirt yeah right ! but if the stupid government makes a vaccine thats supposed to cure somthing and somthing goes horribly wrong then ypu never know what could happen

  21. keefus1 says:

    this is good thread with good coments when zombies attack dont try to act bad ass if you do your definatly going to die

  22. keefus1 says:

    i think zombies will be able to run only if the person was running when he\her died

  23. Ricou812 says:

    Actually, if anyone really studies this, zombies are not flesh eaters. Traditional zombies are basically slaves, brought back by voodoo or some such magic. Thanks to the Great George Romero, he gave us the current concept of zombie. He got the idea after reading a book called… I Am Legend!!! The beasts are more like what traditional vampires are supposed to be. Not Handsome!!! Not Beautiful!!! DEAD!!! or rather UNDEAD!!! Believe me, I am a BIG zombie fan. No one need look any further than the George Romero Franchise. He is the Zombie King

  24. Can’t tell you how many rabid conversations I’ve had with people who are staunch believers that the movie “28 Days Later” is a zombie movie ! My God, it actually burns me when you can’t get thru to certain people on this fact. There’s not one zombie reference in the entire movie or the other big fact they refuse to realize the people who encounter one of the “infected” that survive turn within seconds of being bit or scratched by one. Zombies are the “UNDEAD”. The infected never died in the first place so they technically are not zombies.

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