Multilinguals in the zombocalypse

As a self-appointed zombiolinguist (no, wait! Someone else appointed me!), it’s always fun for me to combine my two greatest passions and consider how my linguistics degree would help me in the event of a zombocalypse. (It’s certainly not doing anything for me in this life, amirite linguistic grads??)

I mean, if you think about it, so much of survival once the zombies take over has to do with traveling. Even if you choose to hole up in a zombie-proof shelter instead of running, eventually you’re going to run out of provisions (I’m sorry, but it’s true) and you’ll have to go scavenging. More than likely, the remaining humans will have snatched up the majority of the remaining food and fresh water before you get to it, no matter how quickly you hobble over to the nearest Kroger.

So you’ll have to move on to the next town, and the next, and the next. Eventually (if you don’t die of starvation or zombie bites first) you’re going to get to a new country. If you’re super lucky and are able to find a (zombie-free) boat, you might even end up on another continent! Once you get there, you’ll have to communicate with the locals. You can try just speaking in your native tongue (I assume English, since you’re reading this sadly unilingual blog), but there’s a good chance they’ll interpret your incoherent grunting as zombie moaning and then where will you be?? (Answer: dead.)

Anyway, what I’m trying to say with this whole hypothetical run-on scenario is that if you know more than one language (just like if you know more than one martial art), you’re going to have an advantage over the people who don’t. My buddies at Pimsleur heard that I was struggling to learn French for this very reason, and helpfully sent me over a set of cds to expedite the process. You know, just in case.

So now, if the need arises, I can say the following in two (2!) languages:

Hello, are you a zombie? Bonjour, êtes-vous un zombie?
Have you seen any zombies? Avez-vous vu des zombies?
Did one of them bite you? L’un d’eux ne vous mordre?
I don’t believe you. Drop your pants and let me check. Je ne vous crois pas. Laissez tomber votre pantalon et je vais vérifier.
Do you work out? Travaillez-vous sur?
I’m sorry, you’re very handsome, but I’m going to have to kill you now so I can steal your provisions. Je suis désolé, tu es très beau, mais je vais devoir te tuer pour que je puisse voler vos dispositions.
Never fall in love during a zombie apocalypse. Ne jamais tomber amoureux au cours d’une apocalypse zombie.

2 Responses to Multilinguals in the zombocalypse

  1. Hardt says:

    Not bad, but some minor errors.

    Did one of them bite you? L’un d’eux vous a-t-il mordu?
    I’m sorry, you’re very handsome, but I’m going to have to kill you now so I can steal your provisions. Je suis désolé, tu es très beau, mais je vais devoir te tuer pour que je puisse voler tes provisions.

    “Do you work out? Travaillez-vous sur?” That means nothing in french, but I don’t know what means “to work out”, so…

    Nice site BTW.

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