Elan asks:

If a zombie had a taco, and then I killed it, so it dropped the taco – could I eat it?

First of all, this is sort of a moot point, since zombies really have no interest in picking up anything except pieces of you. I guess they might pick up a taco with human remains splashed on it, but then I don’t think you’d be interested in going after it.

Let’s suspend disbelief though, as usual, and assume a zombie has come to hold a taco. Maybe it was a piece of debris he picked up trying to get to someone’s eyes or ankles. Let’s also assume that this scenario comes in the midst of the zombocalypse so that food has become scarce and our loyal reader is really jonesing for a taco.

Look, dude. You really don’t want to eat this taco. Considering the tendency of zombies to drip everywhere they go, I think the chances are pretty high that there are some zombie juices marinating in that salsa. On the other hand, this has a lot to do with a controversy I’ve been wanting to address – can you get infected by ingesting zombie parts, or do you have to be bitten? If the chances are low of transmitting the virus, you might be better off going with the taco than inevitable starvation.

The way I see it, the zombie virus – remember, my working theory is Solanum – is most comparable to something like HIV or snake venom. Both of these can be transmitted through bodily fluids or bites, but the risk of infection decreases exponentially when ingested. Technically, the only way you would be at risk is if something along the way of your digestive system had a cut leading to your nervous system – which, let’s face it, your insides will be all kinds of fucked up come the terrors of the zombocalypse. Right, so don’t eat that taco unless you’re about to die of starvation.

My only hesitation in comparing the zombie virus to these two is that being exposed to HIV or snake venom does not guarantee serious infection. If a zombie bites you, on the other hand, you’re done for. No exceptions. This is something we’ll have to continue to explore. Like this guy:

Teel McClanahan doesn’t mess around. He started his own publishing company, and uses it to write zombie novels the likes of which the world has never seen.

I just finished reading “Cheating, Death” – as you might have guessed from the conspicuous punctuation, a double entendre! – and was left with the kind of satisfaction I usually only encounter after watching a really good zombie crushing, or maybe after Thanksgiving. The book is the sort of simple fiction that doesn’t make you think too hard, but still manages to make you notice you’re biting your lip while you’re reading.

McClanahan shows no sympathy for his characters, building the whole story around the most gruesome destructive deaths he could come up with. The zombies are realistic, meaning they’re laughably slow and stupid but still terrifyingly relentless, and they always win. Definitely a fun read. It’s a whole series!

Speaking of realistic zombies, our gallant author took it upon himself to write Appendix Z, a list of (his) zombie characteristics. My two favorite bullet points:

• Zombies who did manage to eat the brains of their victims wouldn’t be much of a threat, since they’d prevent the spread of zombie-ism by doing so.
• Zombies spread quickly because the living are stupid, too.

A man after my own heart. Check out his stuff; you’ll like it.

Travis asks:

I think my friend may be infected. Should I try to organize an intervention or just go ahead and put a few bullets in the brain?
Also, can I get your blog in paperback form? Kind of a survival guide for post-zombiepocalypse humanity.

I’m going to err on the side of caution here and warn you of the dangers of shooting your friend if she isn’t a zombie. Like, jail. Or me getting in trouble for advocating such drastic measures. So, step one is determining if she’s actually a zombie or if she’s just being a bitch. Here are some good ways to tell the difference:

1) Is she chewing on you? Has she always chewed on you, or is this a new development?
2) Is any part of her rotting and/or dripping intestines?
3) Can she speak to you in a sensical manner? Could she ever? If she’s slurring: is she just drunk?

You can email me specific symptoms if they weren’t covered here. The point is, if she’s exhibiting signs of humanity, you probably shouldn’t murder her. On the other hand, if you witnessed her being bitten, or strongly suspect that she’s about to start growling and scratching through those handcuffs you slapped on her, SHOOT HER IN THE FACE. Do not hesitate. This is the mistake people always make. You do NOT want to wait until there’s bitemarks on your arm.

I agree; I should have a book. Do you know any publishers, Travis?

I figured you wouldn’t believe me, so I made you this.

Simon Pegg has a great blog post on this, and he agrees with me.

2. People that talk about how AWESOME zombies are, or how FUN it will be when they’re blowing off heads from their safe little roof perch drinking beer in the zombocalypse, or describe themselves as zombie FANS – I hate you. You are the epitome of everything that is wrong with society. YOU are the reason we will be screwed when the time comes, because you’re going to run out and try to fucking high five a zombie. Know what’s gonna happen? You’re going to be eaten. Alive. Screaming. Watching them pull out your guts and fight over them. Gross.

Also, do you know how unlikely it is that you’ll be prepared or calm enough to find a safe rooftop and an infinite amount of guns and ammo? Do you know how little your fake samurai sword above your fireplace is going to help you? Grow up.

A: I’m not a doctor, but I assume it happens like any other virus. I know Solanum (my working theory) spreads through bodily fluids, but I would think it would start with a mutation of a lesser virus. By bodily fluids I mean saliva from a bite wound or just rubbing up against a bloody zombie with your own bloody fist. Also, I’ve heard people ask whether eating a zombie would have adverse effects, and I assure you – IT WOULD. Also also, I’ve been looking for information regarding necrophiliac activities with zombies, but can’t find ANYTHING (although again, I can assure you, it’s not a good idea). What do you guys think about zombie love?

Q: Do people who are already dead become zombies, or do they have to get the virus while they’re alive?

A: Dead people definitely do not magically reanimate. First of all, the virus needs a working brain to survive, so a skeleton’s not just going to turn into a zombie. Even the freshly dead, however, do not contract the disease. It isn’t airborne, so it doesn’t spread underground, and even if a zombie chewed on a corpse (which it wouldn’t) a dead brain can’t sustain the virus.

Q: What happens to zombies underwater?

A: I think I’ve already addressed this somewhere, but everyone seems fascinated by the idea. Look, they can’t swim, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. They can barely WALK. That said, water certainly isn’t going to prevent them from chasing after you. I imagine they’d just walk on the bottom, so you’d be pretty much safe until you got to shallow waters, or until it was so crowded down there that they inadvertently made a zombie ladder up to your vulnerable little boat. The other thing is it’s definitely better than them being out of water, since they’ll not only rot faster but get nibbled on by fish and maybe some sharks if you’re lucky.

Q: What about zombie babies?

A: Well, human babies are obviously susceptible to the virus. They’d definitely be creepy, but I don’t think they’d be much of a threat. [Insert hilarious dead baby joke here for instructions on disposal.]

A few days ago, Molly asked “Since zombies lack the coordination and problem solving skills to utilize tools, how would they penetrate the skull? You can’t gnaw through it.” Good question.

First of all, let’s not forget that if the brain’s too hard to get to, the zombies will eat whatever – limbs, throats, chewy little torsos. They’re just trying to eat people. But for whatever reason, they do seem especially enthralled by brains. I still think it’s because of an instinct to kill the victims first; I imagine most predators do this automatically because once your prey is dead you have a much easier time of consuming it.

But, okay. Yes, the skull is tough to get through, and maybe zombies wouldn’t think to smash it on the ground and split it open like a delicious coconut. I think the eye sockets and the throat would be the easiest way to get to the brain using just hands/claws. The zombie might know this instinctually, or it might just get there by randomly poking or teething on random parts of the head.

For the first time in my blog’s (admittedly short) history, I asked a doctor’s opinion. Technically a friend in med school, but whatever, he’s removed brains before. He agreed that zombies wouldn’t have any trouble ripping out eyes or gauging out throats, and that the brain is indeed ridiculously easy to obtain through either of those routes. His prescription? Wearing a helmet, goggles, and neck protector daily. No wonder everyone looks at me so strangely.

PS: If you don’t want to rip out your own eyes, I suggest you do NOT google the phrase “smashed skulls.”

The zombie sign, if you haven’t seen it, is this. (Click image for directions on hacking road signs to warn the masses.)

Want more crazy? http://twitter.com/mayafish.

Simple ways to:

1. Identify a zombie.
2. Survive an attack.
3. Kill the undead.

Note the admission that real zombies don’t eat candy or dance. Well done (although I would have included Step 4: Repopulate the planet).

I’ve spent all morning reading zombiedefense.org. DOT ORG! It meets all my requirements: scientific zombie research, neologisms, hilarity, and lots of swearing. The most valuable lessons I’ve learned from them so far:

• Korea is such total bullshit when it comes to zombies.
• The federal government’s ready.gov website does not address zombies. Accident? Unlikely.
• Weapons I hadn’t thought of: my dog, Michael J. Fox, a dragon punch.
• A luxury cruise ship is a great shelter, except for the fact that starvation, insanity and mob-imposed cannibalism are the best possible outcomes.
• If zombies weren’t real, would prominent politicians like Hillary Clinton, Barbara Boxer, and Ted Kennedy be talking about them all the time?
  

Seriously, do yourself a favor and frequent this website. It will pay off.