Gun Choices

Posted in Survival Tips with tags , on January 4, 2009 by donteatmybrain

The gun of my dreams is a pink Ruger 10/22. I like the .22 because it’s lightweight and easy for a tiny girl like me to shoot, and the pink is just personal preference – something pretty for me to distract myself with in between sunken eyes and rotting limbs.

I always get into arguments with people who try to tell me that a .22 will be useless when it comes to fighting zombies. First of all, if I can’t lift/shoot the thing, it barely even counts as a weapon. Second, if I hit a zombie’s eye socket, it’ll do the trick. Third, I actually found a whole forum thread dedicated to this topic, with nearly everyone agreeing that a .22 would do just fine. Several people pointed out that it might actually be ideal, since it has enough power to enter the skull, but not enough to leave, so it would ricochet around the inside, scrambling up the remaining brain. Another good point is if you get yourself a sniper rifle or something rare/illegal, it’s going to be much harder to find extra ammunition if you survive long enough to run out.

If you’re looking for the toughest gun, the one that will never fail you as so often tragically happens in zombie movies, apparently a Glock is the way to go. Perfect for the apocalypse, since it’s almost impossible to destroy, but in order for it to be effective you really need to be well trained before using it. Just don’t drop it…

For long range/mob attacks, you really can’t beat a rocket launcher or an automatic weapon. The M249 claims to shoot 850 bullets a minute! This would be ideal for people without much sniper training (or just people panicking more than usual), who could use more of a chance to kill without aiming.

Once you (inevitably) end up in close-range with a zombie or two, most people recommend a fire axe. Easier to master and more effective than swords, plus the long handle means you’re out of biting range. (Or, do what this guy did, and mount a chainsaw bayonet on your rifle!) I would strongly advise you NOT to try and fight off hordes or even one zombie with a butcher knife. Even if you destroy it, you’re bound to come out of it with their saliva running through your veins.

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Zombie Categories

Posted in Survival Tips with tags , , on January 4, 2009 by donteatmybrain

I found a good, original system for classifying zombies from a user in the forums of the Zombie Preparedness Initiative. You should learn these categories now, so that when the time comes you know what you’re dealing with. Note: by my definition, only the undead are truly zombies, but I have a feeling when the time comes to deal with any of these organisms, they’ll all be generalized as such. Of these six classes, there are really only two types of “zombies”:

Undead: No pulse/running blood, don’t eat for survival, don’t breathe, motivated by predator instincts to eat human flesh. The majority of these will be pathetic movers, which are slower and easier to escape from. In addition, the rotting of their brains will lead them to be mindless, the kind that drools and (hopefully) can be deterred by simple tricks and things like doors or ladders.

What this means: In theory, these zombies are less threatening. They are slow and stupid – but they are also tireless and unreasonable. What they lack in smarts, they make up for in relentlessness, which can put you in serious trouble if you underestimate them and lie down for a nap after 72 straight hours of fighting. You can’t drown them, scare them off, reason with them, or save them. The only solution is to destroy their brains.

Possessed: Completely alive and human, except being controlled by something that leads them to crave human flesh. I have previously referred to this type as infected humans. These are the athletic movers, the ones who display the most exaggerated human capabilities and who can run faster, jump higher, and lift heavier things than you can. Unfortunately, these are also the sentient kind, who may be able to use tools, organize together, and surprise you.

What this means: Although these zombies are much harder to escape from initially, they are actually easier to destroy because they’re not dead yet. They can be drowned, starved to death, asphyxiated, injured, startled. Depending on the severity, they may still retain their ability to communicate with you, and you should probably hold off on destroying them until absolutely necessary, since they may be curable.

Even so, someone asked me recently what my plan of attack would be if infected humans showed up, since my apocalypse plans tend to revolve around the undead variety. My answer: “I’d jump out an f-ing window.” Infected humans scare the crap out of me, maybe because you can’t kill them with the same easy conscience as the real zombies. My life is complicated enough; I don’t need to deal with that shit.

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FAQs

Posted in Common Misconceptions, Reader Questions with tags , , , , , , on December 17, 2008 by donteatmybrain

Q: WTF is a zombie? Don’t you mean an infected human? I saw “I Am Legend” and I know everything.

A: First of all, read The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. You’ll find it in the humor section, but only because there would be widespread panic if they put it under reference. It gives the following (oversimplified) definition: An animated corpse that feeds on living human flesh. The important word here is corpse. A zombie is not a cannibal (a living human that feeds on dead human flesh). A zombie is not an infected human (a living human that, with certain diseases, might feed on living human flesh). A zombie is not immortal (something that can never die). Zombies can not be cured or reasoned with, although they can be destroyed and outsmarted.

If this were a zombie, Will Smith would not have a face.

Q: Why are you so scared of an imaginary thing? That’s stupid. I’m scared of THINGS THAT ACTUALLY EXIST.

A: Just because you’ve never seen a zombie in real life doesn’t mean they’re not real. There are multiple (albeit badly cited) historical accounts of zombie attacks that were hidden from the public eye, never reported to the authorities, or collectively suppressed by humanity’s trauma. Even if you prove that it’s never happened, theoretically, it could. There are many theories about the origin of zombies, but the most widely accepted is that of the disease Solanum. I won’t go into details, since you can find it in Brooks’ book, but it basically stops the heart and inhibits other bodily functions while sustaining the most basic functions of the brain. Look, if we knew the origin, we could avoid the problem, but we don’t. It’s all speculation. Most people are scared of zombies because of what they represent: death incarnate, the unknown, the end of civilization, etc. I’m terrified of zombies because they can look like the people you love, and because they can’t be reasoned with. I’m not scared of murderers or clowns or rapists because I figure I could talk them out of hurting me. But zombies?! They don’t give a shit.

The wrong way to kill a zombie.

Q: Are you talking about the slow, stupid “Dawn of the Dead” zombies or the fast, smart ones in “28 Days Later”?

A: The latter was infected humans. Any movie that purports to show you fast, problem-solving zombies who can use tools to seek and destroy you is lying. Zombies’ bodies are rotting continually; their joints stiffen and they lose most of their mobility. Anything else would not be dead and therefore not be a zombie. This is good, because I’m not very athletic.

Q: Why do you watch so many zombie movies if you’re so scared?

A: Research. And morbid curiosity. And I looove having nightmares every night.

Q: Are you insane?

Are YOU? I have researched zombies extensively because otherwise I can’t sleep at night. I’m just trying to educate the rest of you so that when it’s all over I have someone to repopulate the planet with.

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Zombie Types

Posted in Site Reviews, Survival Tips with tags , , , , , , , on December 17, 2008 by donteatmybrain

For when you need to tell exactly what you’re up against.

http://sites.dehumanizer.com/zombietypes/

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Common Misconception: Vegetarian Zombies

Posted in Common Misconceptions with tags , , , , , on December 17, 2008 by donteatmybrain

“I was signing a book and I asked this woman about being a zombie and she said, ‘If I was a zombie I wouldn’t eat human flesh, I’m a vegetarian’. I said, ‘If you were a zombie, you would eat human flesh – you don’t have a choice’. She said, ‘No, with me being a vegetarian is so ingrained’. It got to the point where I actually think I called her an idiot. I said to her, ‘If zombies ate grass, we would tether them to our lawns and have them mow it. Nobody would be afraid of them – it’s not your decision to make. If you’re a zombie, you eat human flesh.’” -David Sedaris

One completely underutilized zombie concept is whether or not our human traits would carry over after reanimation. If you’re strong as a human, would you be a freakishly strong zombie? If you’re a famous Olympic runner, would you be one of those sprinting zombies? If you’re a vegetarian, would you be moaning and violently uprooting potatos? In “Marvel Zombies“, the characters have the same intelligence, memories, skills, and powers as in their human life. But, um, that’s a comic book.

Marvel Zombies

These are all stupid questions. Maybe that’s why more people don’t ask. It would be an interesting concept if it held any truth, but it doesn’t. Since zombies don’t have advanced brain functions, they can’t remember the preferences, training or special skills they had when they were alive – so they’re definitely not going to be vegetarians, mechanics, or Type A personalities. That’s like expecting a person with half a brain to still be a fabulous architect. (I don’t know any architects, but I assume they need both parts of their brain.) As for physical traits, all zombies are strong and fast at first because they have no pain receptors and don’t get tired, so they will push themselves to 100% capacity. Sometimes this causes their limbs to fall off, but they will literally keep going until they can’t move. I suppose you could argue that stronger/faster humans have more muscle, so initially they probably will be slightly more of a threat than the other zombies. But as time goes on and they decay, they’ll all be equally slow and stiff.

Lesson learned: Avoid newly formed zombies at all costs.

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Why Do Zombies Eat Brains?

Posted in Common Misconceptions with tags , , , , on December 17, 2008 by donteatmybrain

This is probably the hardest question to answer. An internet search reveals that no one knows what the hell they’re talking about. The most common answer is “Omg I don’t think zombies are even real.” Um, thanks.

The real controversy is whether zombies eat brains, or human flesh. I don’t know why these have to be mutually exclusive. I’m going to just go ahead and decide that zombies eat humans, period. They want to eat you, it doesn’t matter to them whether it’s your arm or your brain or your liver. (In fact, if we were purely using fictional zombies as examples, movie zombies ate flesh exclusively until the brain tangent was introduced in 1985’s “Return of the Living Dead” as a comedic concept.) I think the reason we associate them more strongly with brain consumption is that we’re much more terrified of losing our brains than any other body part. You eat my brain, I’m dead.

That being said, for the sake of a good argument, let’s go ahead and pretend that zombies only eat brains. The most convincing theories range from metaphorical (they crave the mind/consciousness/soul that they have lost) to scientific (it’s been recently discovered that glial cells in the brain can replicate cells and perhaps give them back some of the brain mass that they lose in decomposition) to metabolic (brains have fat or cholesterol that sustain them). Brooks, my most trustworthy zombie source, is pretty insistent about the fact that zombies don’t eat for nourishment, but rather that it’s some sort of instinct (I would compare it to a human’s need for sleeping; they won’t die immediately without it but it does serve some sort of basic survival purpose). My favorite theory is that they eat brains to prevent competition or to keep the zombie population from increasing to unsustainable levels, so that the only ones that survive are the people who are bitten and then escape.

The complete opposite theory, in the original “Dawn of the Dead”, is that zombies purposefully only consume about 40% of human bodies, so that enough is left to be fully mobile after reanimation. I disagree with this because I don’t think zombies are capable of a group mentality or organizing together. It seems more likely that they would prefer to be alone. It’s not like they care if their race survives.

Answer: they eat both, it’s an instinct, and brains have no nutritional value. Now everyone can stop wondering.

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Zombie Survival Kit

Posted in Survival Tips with tags on December 17, 2008 by donteatmybrain

Someone saved me the trouble of creating a Zombie Survival Kit list on Amazon. Awesome!

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Common Misconception: Rabies

Posted in Common Misconceptions with tags , , on December 17, 2008 by donteatmybrain

“I Drink Your Blood” is an underrated, so-called zombie movie from 1970. I guess this was when zombies had a broader definition, because the plot revolves around a group of hippies who get rabies from some meat pies. Yes, they’re murdering and eating people, but zombies can’t really display this level of malice or planning ahead. Definitely worth watching, if only for the scene where the mute hippie saws off her own hand with a turkey slicer.

Lesson learned: If it can rationalize, talk, or torture you for fun, it’s not a zombie. You can probably employ normal human-killing tactics to protect yourself.

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